Who Do You Love? Playing Favorites and the Consequences

Favorites, we all have them; be they colors, flavors, songs, scents, you name it, everyone has a favorite something. Even among living beings, favorites exist. We have favorite people, favorite children, favorite dogs, etc. Troubles can exist in all of the realms of living being favorites but our concern here is favorites among your dog crew.

It’s perfectly normal to have a favorite dog among your crew. You would be very unusual if you didn’t have one. When issues arise, it is because you are making your choice of favorite too obvious.

I talked quite a bit in my book about teaching your dogs that life is not always fair but the key to teaching this is to covey that life is not always fair at every moment, but it will all equal out to be fair at some point. What this means to me is that anytime you have to spend more time with or pay more attention to one dog, at some point not too distant in the future you will do the same with the other dogs, one on one. Much of this was discussed in another blog, “Different Day, Different Dog Activity.”

But this one is more about playing favorites in the house. This can happen in many ways, actual physical affection only being the tip of the iceberg. Let’s start with comfy resting spots in the places where the dogs relax. The living room can be an area ripe for jealousy among your crew, especially if you have a guarder. If your favorite dog also happens to be a guarder, then you have some work to do and should consult with a professional in-home consultant. In all likelihood, you are contributing to the continuation of this behavior with or without being aware of it. And in such a scenario, the non-biased outside opinion of a behavior professional can make a world of difference. (Please contact me if you need help finding a behavior professional in your area – a lot of people call themselves canine behaviorists but there are a number of qualifications to look for.)

Okay, back to the living room. If you permit your dogs on the furniture, it’s possible that two dogs (or more!) can covet the same comfy spot. In this case, your best option is to take turns with who gets said comfy spot, while providing other hopefully equally comfy spots in such a quantity that everyone can have one if they desire. Now that does not mean your’re to force your dogs to use these provided spots. They make choices too. You simply make sure that they are there for use. And you enforce the “taking turns” rule should more than one dog share a favorite spot.

In my household, all dogs are permitted on the furniture but Trent must be polite when others are also on the furniture. Trent can be pushy on furniture but if he is polite, he is welcome to lay on the couch when others are on it. The most frequent scenario is Siri on the couch with me having to direct her to turn around and only use one cushion so I can fit there with her. Kera starts out on the couch (before I sit down) but soon shifts to either the loveseat or the fluffy large mat on the floor or, less frequently, the round dog bed in front of the TV. Merlin loves to lie on the floor next to one dog bed that is near a heater vent. He rotates between the floor next to the bed with his bum next to the vent or on the bed itself. He resists my urgings to get on the couch or loveseat. Occasionally, he takes the round dog bed. Trent sometimes hangs on the couch with Siri and I but most frequently he lays on the couch pillows I lay on the floor in front of the couch. Sometimes he takes the round dog bed. I have not yet figured out what the criteria is for any of them to choose that bed. Siri is the only one who rarely uses it but she is bigger than it.

So in my living room, everyone has a place they enjoy relaxing on and there are no disputes. But as mentioned, if you have two or more dogs who all like the same spot, then have them take turns. And take a closer look at that favorite spot and see what you can do to replicate the reason for the coveting in other areas of the room. Try and look at things from your dogs’ point of view.

Another key resource room is the bedroom, if your dogs sleep in a room that humans share with them as mine do. The scenario in my bedroom is Siri typically sleeping on the bed with me, unless it is very warm outside. In that case, she sleeps on the floor next to the bed. I have a three large dog beds along one wall/corner that all the dogs enjoy lying on. But for nighttime sleeping, Merlin’s spot is considered to be the bed next to a dresser. He starts there but moves around to several places, including the bathroom floor if it is warm out. Kera sometimes starts on the bed but usually moves to either a dog bed, the floor, or my robe which I have learned to lay down on the floor for her. Trent favors the dog bed furthest in the corner and rarely deviates from that. All dogs are welcome on the bed at night. This works for us and no one fights over a spot. I have made sure that there is abundance in comfort here for this very reason.

You probably have not yet figured out who my favorite is unless you already know me. It’s Merlin. From raised surface positions, you might think it is Siri. I dearly love all of my dogs. They all have completely different personalities but my connection with Merlin feels ancient. I try very hard to not show this in excess. It is a constant struggle. But you don’t see it evidenced by who shares comfy spots with me. Siri likes to snuggle and I like her to snuggle so we snuggle. Merlin and Kera like to snuggle on their terms. Trent likes to snuggle a bit too much at times and gets pushy if permitted to snuggle in excess.

So favorites of the heart don’t have to be the same as favorites in every facet. This can help you to not play favorites too much. Each dog has a different personality and will enjoy different things with you. One dog may like to snuggle like Siri does. Another dog may love going just about anywhere with you while another may find the same activity scary. Playing favorites with each dog’s favorite activity is a good way to play favorites without actually favoring one dog over another. This is also a fantastic way to teach your dogs that life is usually fair and that things even out if they are patient.

My dogs understand that just because Siri is the one who is usually snuggling with me doesn’t mean I love her more than them. I always make a point to give each of them individual attention before settling down on either the couch or the bed with Siri. I do the same every morning. Each dog gets quality morning snuggle time.

In the evening, Merlin often likes to toss some stuffed toys around after dinner. Kera doesn’t enjoy playing with stuffed toys so she gets out of the way on the loveseat. Siri and Trent sometimes join Merlin with living room toy tossing. Merlin will then usually try and engage them in a game of “beat up Trenty”, which entails Siri pretending to “beat up Trenty”, while Merlin “directs” from the sideline. Kera will comment if they get too close to her. This game is enjoyed by all, especially because I sit on the floor with them for it so everyone gets my attention at once.

In the winter months, Lisa in Massachusetts only walks the dogs that don’t mind the cold. Her shorter haired Terriers prefer snuggling next to the heater so it all works out for everyone. Vicki in Hanover, PA competes in obedience with one dog because that dog enjoys it and the other doesn’t. Both of her dogs are therapy dogs and take turns going with her to “work”. Each dog understands that his turn will come.

As you can see, there are numerous ways to show affection to your dogs based on their individual personalities without showing favoritism to one on a regular basis. Not being obvious about who is your favorite will go a long way towards preserving harmony among your crew. Enjoy your dogs’ individual personalities.