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A Little Bit of Heart & Soul: Remembering Merlin, My Heart Dog

A Little Bit of Heart & Soul: Remembering Merlin, My Heart Dog

Originally posted on September 23, 2012.

I have thought about how I should honor his life endlessly as this emotional anniversary approaches and I have decided that remembering some of my fondest moments with Merlin was the most appropriate way. I want to celebrate his life. He was a remarkable dog, He touched so many lives. I hope that I can honor him properly. So I chose to speak directly to him.

To Merlin from mom:

I was attracted to you the second I saw you, so small at about three months of age, but so sassy in that cage at the shelter. It was my first day walking dogs who weren’t on the adoption floor and I had just lost my Layla only a week prior to seeing you. You looked at me with such sly eyes, so knowing, so full of intelligence and humor. It only took one look and I knew you were to be mine. You knew it too. I was told that you had “sexy” eyes by another shelter volunteer, such an odd compliment for a dog but clearly true as well; something more than in most canine eyes at such a young age. Such potential.

Merlin, on a walk, grinning.

Merlin, on a walk, grinning.

When we brought Kera home after you “chose” her just a month later, you were thrilled that I got you such a wonderful “toy” until you realized you had to share me! You made Kera “pay” for a couple of days, then you made her your partner in crime, deftly giving me a crash course in multiple dog ownership/training.

Having only had “easy” dogs up until you, you challenged my mind at every opportunity. You performed magic feats on doorknobs and crates, opening both without difficulty and with humor. You fully earned your magical moniker. You forced me to increase my training and behavior knowledge and I will always respect you for that.

You had both drive and persistence which made training you a challenge. You refused to be pushed around in the name of training and rightly fought back to any man-handling attempts. Your delight was evident when I learned a better way to teach you. We made strides faster than the speed of light and your responses made me beam with pride.

You became a dog trainer’s dream dog, able to go anywhere and be trusted with anyone. You helped shy and scared dogs learn to be brave. You showed reactive dogs that you were not a threat and that playing with another dog could be fun. You helped some dogs get certified to be canine good citizens; others, you showed your large repertoire of cues so they could watch and learn.

Front cover, How Many Dogs?! book

You were kind to everyone as long as they were kind to your family. You approached every situation as friendly until finding out otherwise. You LOVED puppies and helped raise Siri and her siblings until we sent all but Siri off to their forever homes. The memory of you laying on the floor letting puppies tug on you from various angles brings a huge smile to my face. You cared for the multitudes of foster puppies who spent time under our roof like they were your own. You grinned happily as they took new steps. And you sent them on their way to their forever homes with a smile.

You were welcoming to the many foster dogs that passed through our lives, on their way to their forever home. You helped them to feel comfortable and loved and happy. When corrections were needed, you issued them appropriately, showing kindness and restraint. Even as you eventually grew weary of one too many fosters, you handled it with dignity and grace and understood that we had a purpose higher than we may have preferred at times. You accepted our role and loved me despite minor inconveniences to your life. You understood that our little family was always number one and comforted by that fact.

You helped keep us safe in an urban neighborhood, sometimes fraught with strangeness. You always knew when to step in and when to let me handle things, perfectly assessing every situation. I didn’t teach you this, you were born with it.
You lived it. I respected your perfect instincts and understanding more than I can express.

You viewed life as an adventure, every new situation as something to look forward to. You trusted me to have your back and keep you safe.
Your sense of humor brought smiles to my day. You made every day fun and laughter. You reveled in the outdoors and made sure that every day had relaxation in it. Without your nudging, I would not have had as much play as I should have. You loved to go places, riding in the Xterra like a champ, “elbow” resting on the window ledge like a human male, grinning out the window with pleasure.

It was on one of our many outings that the first sign of trouble reared it’s ugly head. The day that we took our first trip to the vet, almost directly from am outing. On the way to find out what caused you such distress, I could not shake the feeling that my life had changed dramatically that day. I hoped I was being melodramatic but sadly, I was right. I would give anything to change what happened but I am grateful for the chance to have the extra time with you that no doctor said I would have. You handled all your vet visits with grace and dignity and even humor, making you a favorite at the specialists. They admired your good temperament and disposition, they loved your humor. They mourned with us when you were lost to us. Your loss created a void in the lives of many, the cards and condolences were plentiful, your memory a flame that will go on.

You took such good care of all of us, Kera, Siri, Trent and I, me being at the top of the list. I was your number one priority and truth be told, you were mine. I loved you best, feeling at one with your soul. You were more partner than the others. That always feels odd to say, fearing that some may not understand but I know that many will know what that means. It is a oneness with another creature that can only be described in that way, fully mutually understanding another without guessing, an ability to share thoughts and communicate without words. While that ability exists to an extent with my other beloved dogs, it has never reached such an understanding as with you. There is a piece missing now that can never be replaced. That’s okay now, as much as it can be, because I know that someday I will see you again. With that purpose in mind, wanting to live up to your ideal of me, making you proud, I move forward for you. I miss you with every ounce of my soul and I will celebrate your life as it deserves to be celebrated.

I have written and re-written the above in my mind a dozen times already. I wanted perfection for Merlin’s memorial but perfection is always out of reach; this is real life and there is no perfection. So I will “settle” for simply from the heart. Now an update on our emotional progress…

Front cover, How Many Dogs?! book

It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost a year since I had say goodbye (for now) to my precious Merlin. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him multiple times a day. I can go from okay to tears in an instant with the right trigger. But it IS easier now to try to move forward. It was and still is a struggle randomly and I would be lying if I said it has been easy. I suppress a lot of trigger reactions. I basically forced myself to move forward, for the sake of Kera (who joined Merlin on June 1st), Siri and Trent. After we lost Kera, we would have continued into an even deeper downward spiral, so deep was the loss in our lives, if things continued as is.

Those of you who follow this blog know that what changed the direction for the better was Kenzo. Daily, I am grateful for the gift of his addition to our lives. His presence forced us back into the game of life. No matter how much complaining I may do about never subjecting myself to puppyhood again, the laughter that he brings us is worth his eventual weight in gold. I will forever be in debt to my dear friend who made Kenzo’s life with us possible.

In many ways, Kenzo reminds me of Merlin. I like to think that this was by design, Merlin’s that is. Kenzo lies down to drink water a good bit of the time. Merlin did that for his entire life, preferring the path of least resistance in many areas. Merlin also liked to play in water all of his life, starting with the water bowl as a puppy, as Kenzo has and continuing to splashing in any available stream or other accessible body of water. The only area that they differ with regards to water is Kenzo’s dislike of rain. Merlin loved all things wet, rain included. Kenzo, not so much! Merlin’s fur was forever dancing about the floors in fuzzy balls. Kenzo has accepted the responsibility of continuing that tradition down to the exact color of the fur balls. Kenzo is vocal when cuddled as Merlin was.

But make no mistake, they are two different dogs. I know this. I accept this. I would not have accepted a breed that reminded me of Merlin because I am not ready for that yet. I don’t know if I ever will be. I hope so as I love Dobermans with fierceness but I don’t want to make any comparisons so I wait. I miss my pokey nosed baby boy too much to risk more traumas. In the meantime, every black and tan (orange) butterfly that I see seems to be Merlin checking in with me. When my loss was brand new, I saw Merlin or thought I did, out of the corner of my eye, in various places he used to be. I do still see that but not often enough. I need the continued connection but I don’t think Merlin wants to me to dwell too much so I march forward and know that we will meet again. Until then, I love you more than words can say, my “little boy dog”.

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Correct Me If I’m Wrong? I Have a Better Idea

Correct Me If I’m Wrong? I Have a Better Idea

This may not strike you as a multiple dog subject and strictly speaking, it isn’t. But it’s a dog behavior subject that affects all dogs so that is multiple enough for me. I have been mulling this subject over for some time now, prompted by recent conversations I have had with a couple of people, all via internet, which is never the best venue.

Denise Fenzi at work.

Denise Fenzi training with R+.

As anyone who has either read my book or knows me in person is aware of, I am a positive reinforcement trainer. That wasn’t always the case. I started my training knowledge with the more old fashioned techniques  now known as “traditional” training.

At the time, it was simply the way that things were done. My fellow trainers and I were never intentionally harmful to the dogs that we were training or so we saw it that way. Of course the corrections that we issued to these dogs were intentional in that they were meant to be corrections. But did we see these forceful actions as harmful? Not at all. It was simply how we were told that dogs learned. But did they really learn? Sure, they did but at a cost and part of that cost was often a loss of trust. Humans are very unpredictable and can cause pain. They learned that right away. Best to avoid that pain by toeing the line that we drew. Dogs are amazingly adaptive. They can learn despite the failings of humans.

I will always have to live with the knowledge that my beloved Merlin and Kera were initially “trained” with choke chains and a harsh jerk on the leash. And let’s not forget scruff grabs and the like. My sweet Siri got far too familiar with a prong collar for during her late teenage months. Until I heard the cry of pain from one particularly enthusiastic launch forward during a hike, that is. That was the last time she had to bear that medieval device. It has made a great back gate latch since then.

My training method crossover did not happen fully overnight. I was dead set against using food rewards at first. But I attended my first positive training class with a dog from the shelter that I taught at, instructed by a local positive trainer who taught at another local shelter. I was initially horrified at the amount of food used. But I could not deny that my shelter ward for the class was attentive to what was taught. Soon I was bringing my own dog (Merlin) to the same trainer’s class with an eagerness that I never felt about my own classes. The transformation had begun.

The majority of that transformation was the fact that Merlin was not a dog that accepted corrections lightly. When they even made a dent in his consciousness, it was because he fought back. Merlin was a confident intelligent dog. He saw no need to be roughed up. When I learned a better way, the difference in attentiveness was like night and day. I had finally had the sense to give this brilliant dog the job that he had been craving. The end of his reactivity on leash to pretty much anything that moved had begun in earnest. I was delighted!

Years have passed and my knowledge has grown by volumes. My eyes have been opened. I have been thinking about this awakening in depth recently and I liken it to those pictures that get forwarded around where there are hidden images. Until you spot the image, you are confused and frustrated. Everyone else can see it, why can’t you? But then the skies clear, the image is undeniable and you wonder with amazement how you missed it even for a moment. As a dear friend says about other subjects, you can’t unsee it. Your life is forever changed. This is how I now see the balanced trainers versus positive reinforcement trainers division. I now see that image and that can never be changed. I wish they could see it too. It makes me sad that they can’t.

I will try very hard to explain this without judgment. Having been on the other side, I truly know that there is no cruel intent in most balanced trainers’ methods. I say most because some people will always take pleasure in their so called domination of another species. This is not said lightly. I have names in mind. This writing is not about those people. I do not feel that changing the view of those who feel that way is within my reach. Their path is in their control and they will follow it where they are directed to. I wish them clarity someday.

One of the questions I was asked recently was, did I think someone I know who is a balanced trainer hurts dogs? I said no initially because I truly don’t think she means to, as explained above. But after giving this more thought, the real answer is, “Yes, I do.” Using shock, jerks on choke chains or prong collars, and other physical corrections, DOES hurt. It’s designed to. That is the whole reason behind the use. Punishment does work. Correct the dog, he won’t do that again! But what does the dog learn from that? See above.

The dog in question does not change how he feels about what caused him to get issued a correction. He just learns that it hurts when he does that. It doesn’t mean he won’t do it again. It means that he will weigh his options and may choose what is more rewarding for him in the immediate moment at the expense of potential pain. This is a bad position to place a dog in.

The relationship suffers. There is no way of getting around that. There are various schools of thought that a dog should do whatever is asked simply because pleasing the human that asked is the best reward. It sure can be a huge part of it. But there are caveats to this.

That high of a value being placed on verbal acknowledgement as a reinforcement only comes with an already stellar relationship. If you are an unpredictable human and you sometimes cause pain, then you are not to be fully trusted and a verbal reinforcement will never be at the same level for a dog you are training than with a dog and human combo that has a trust filled relationship.

There, I said it. Let the flames begin. That is fact and you can spin it any way you want to try but that is how relationships work and we all know it. It’s the same with humans. Trust is trust. If you trust the person on the end of the leash to always have your back, then you will do pretty much anything for that person. Positive reinforcement training gives you and your dogs the opportunity to truly communicate with one another. It’s a two way conversation, with respect for both.

I realize that I must clarify the above somewhat. I am well aware that there are some crossover trainers who had great relationships with their dogs prior to crossing over. But I feel safe saying that these trainers have great skill with timing and that their corrections were rarely or never at the extreme end. The average dog parent who takes a class/has a private from/with a balanced trainer doesn’t have the same skill and understanding and the relationship will suffer.

Now none of this is not to say that positive trainers never lose their cool. We yell at our own dogs periodically, we have faults, we make mistakes, we are all human. But the effort to avoid having any emotional and physical pain in the name of forced compliance is a huge consideration. Again, this is not a judgment on those who I think simply have not seen that image. This is a plea to you to try to see that image. For your dogs, for the dogs you train. There is a better way.

I hear so much silliness from balanced trainers that well trained dogs trained by positive reinforcement is not the norm. We must have as our own dogs or train only soft dogs, not the dogs with drive like they train. Again, sorry to be blunt, but hogwash! I have dogs with “drive”. (what a silly term! It really just means a type A personality.) Merlin was never an easy dog to either live with or train but let me say, once I learned the right way to train, he was a pleasure! I could take him anywhere. He could be off leash standing next to a deer and he would come to me to be rewarded for ignoring said deer. I work with dogs like this all the time. I help clients turn reactivity and aggression around all the time. As with any client base, owner compliance is important to success. But success is the norm here. I am also far less worried about the damage that my clients can do to their dogs with bad timing of verbal markers and treats than giving them the permission to jerk their dog when the feel the need!

Anger is easy to escalate. Having been in this position, I say this with conviction: it’s far easier to simply jerk a leash again when “compliance” is not forthcoming than to take the moment to show the dog what you want instead. Anger begets anger. I choose to show people how to teach their dogs to make better decisions and to give their dogs a voice in the outcome of any situation. I can sleep better this way and I know that the majority of my clients do as well.

This is a subject dear to my heart so I need to curtail my ramblings now or I will fill far too many pages for this article! I will end this with some comments from other cross over trainers on what moment gave them pause to “cross over”, edited for space.

Dawn Elberson Goehring in Gaitlinburg, TN is in the entertainment business at the Comedy Barn Theater with her dogs. With a background in working with wildlife, which involves hands off training, she could not understand why leashes were needed to train a dog. So she went hands off with her trick training and found an amazing attitude with her dogs that serves her as well with training clients today.

Nan Arthur, trainer in Lakeside CA and member of the faculty at Karen Pryor Academy and author of “Chill Out Fido”, says that her defining moment was attending a class with her six month old puppy and seeing the instructor correct another dog so hard that he was slammed into a brick wall because of his barking. She walked out and found a better way.

Pat Miller, owner of Peaceable Paws in Fairplay, MD and author of numerous books on positive training as well as training editor of the Whole Dog Journal, states that her light bulb moment came when her marvelous dog Josie ran and hid under the deck when she brought out her utility dog equipment. She never looked back from that moment. It is well documented what has resulted since then!

Miranda Workman, trainer in Amherst, NY and former president of the CCPDT, offers that her Boxer who had been attacked by another dog, became reactive and was made worse by punishment based training techniques. He was no longer safe to be around. This situation helped her not only cross over but to become a professional trainer.

Casey Lomonaco, of Rewarding Behaviors Dog Training in Endicott, NY has Monty to thank for her awakening. I cannot possibly edit her story and still do it justice so simply read it for yourself here. http://projectmonte.wordpress.com/about/

All these situations have something in common: they saw the image in the picture. For those of you who have seen the image, feel free to share your story here as well. For those who have yet to see the image, if you are local, come watch me work. If you are not, call a qualified positive trainer and ask to watch her/him work. I wish you clarity.

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